Vibrations of a different kind

Though rush hour journeys in Mumbai local trains are full of adventure , anguish, madness and survival of fittest all embroiled into one, we do come across some instances rather different from the usual push and shove. After I joined Hilton Mumbai, my railfanning by the window seat has taken a beating as unlike Taj President where I used to work in shifts allowing me the luxuy of travelling in non-peak hours(if such a thing exists), here I work either 07:00-16:00 , 09:00-18:00 or 11:00-20:00 on weekdays.

For a 11:00-20:00hrs shift I catch the 9:12 Dombivli-CST local which is fully occupied by return commuters from Diva and Kopar. Since I have to get down at Ghtakopar or Vidyavihar, I dont really look for a seat, I am happy holding on to a standing position in the lateral side by the door ensuring the wall behind gives good support to my back as I go through my mails, FB, and IRFCA forum on my cell phone. Standing by the side ensures that the frequent push and pull of the commuters boarding and alighting at different stations don't really bother you much.

As usual, I was standing 3rd from the door by the wall and checking my mails. By the time our local departed from Platform No.2 of Dombivli, the train was fairly crowded and 1st class resembled like a 2nd class compartment. At Kopar, more people made their way in and then that side was completely blocked till Thane as all the other station platforms come on the other side.

I ain't a tall guy at 5'6” but there was a short guy of approximately 5'1'' standing in front of me waiting to alight at Thane.His hands could barely reach the handles on top and was literally standing there with his hands high up in the air. Behind him was an obese man with a buldging tummy. He was almost bending the short guy with his pot belly. Incidentally the pot-belly was also touching my tummy.(which by the way isnt much flat either).

Next station, Diva arrived and the usual war cries and push by the desperados ensured that the short guy couldnt hold onto his initial position and was moving helplessly towards the door. He couldnt see much as the commuters in front of him were blocking his view. He just let out his anguish by asking out loudly to the public in general,”Arrre kaun sa station hai, Diva hai kya Mumbra?? “. One of the unknown faces replied back,”Arre yeh toh Diva hai, Mumbra mein aur tight ho jayegi situation”.

Everyone around couldnt help but smile back at that person for a tongue in cheek comment, except the obese man who was the cause of the short guy's helplessness. After a few seconds everyone was back to their business but I could feel a vibration on my tummy. Assuming it to be a cell phone on vibration mode, I didnt react.But the vibration didnt cease and it was a very awkward feeling thats when I realised that the obese man was literally laughing within himself on the joke which was cracked. He had tried to hide his laughter then and I guess couldnt control it for too long. The vibrations of his tummy were the indications of him trying to laugh within himself.

The short guy who was also experiencing the vibrations, turned back his head and said,”Uncle hassna hai toh jor se hasso naa..aapke pet se hassoge toh gudgudi hoti hai” That lightened up the atmosphere and everyone around simply laughed their hearts out.

Poor BEST Driver

This commuting story comes from yet another BEST bus journey. You might be thinking, what happened to this eternal railfan? No train journeys blogged anymore.Thats because I havent been getting the elusive window seat as commuting time has changed & travelling duration also reduced. On the other hand bus journeys have increased and they seem to be more time consuming & rigorous, though the distance to be traversed is hardly 5 kms.

Ok, now this was like any other evening commute from my hotel near airport to Vidyavihar station by BEST bus 308. Luckily after getting into the bus, I got a window seat and we had just crossed the Airport and moving towards Leela Hotel & then onwards to the ever traffic infested Andheri-Ghatkopar Link road. The distance between Leela & Airport is hardly 500 metres but our bus took 20 minutes and finally turned into the nightmare called Ghatkopar Link road. Our bus must have started from Majas Depot which is far away from Andheri and the drivers of this route(308) can be easily conferred Nobel peace prize for the patience they display to drive along this irritating stretch.

As soon as we turned into the link road towards Sakinaka, my bus was veering close to the footpath instead of the norm of siding with the middle divider as we had to take a right into the Andheri-Kurla road. The road was infested as usual with the debris of metro construction work, 220kv high voltage line digging, the miniscule and irritating 2 & 3 wheelers. All of a sudden, after crossing d MarolNaka stop, our driver parked the bus & turned off the lights & got out off the seat to alight. Harried people inside the bus were shocked and thought if traffic jams werent enough, we have a breakdown of the bus.

Murmurs became louder and inqusitive ones started asking,''master kay jala, bus zaanaar ki nahi''.Conductor was a mute spectator like many of us. Driver did not answer any queries as if he was above the law. He strolled back towards the footpath testing each tyre making others contemplate that we have a puncture to deal with.

Surprisingly none of us heard the air escape from tyres during the journey. Then the driver moved towards the shops lining the footpaths. He was gesturing something to the shopkeepers and each one just shoved him away to a direction which was behind the way we had traversed. After carefully observing, what our driver was gesturing I knew it was nothing related to the bus and more human in nature.

He disappeared from our sight and people inside the dark bus were shouting, yelling and getting jealous of other buses going past us. After 5 minutes our driver returned, turned on the lights and started the bus and all inside heaved a sigh of relief. The conductor who was maintaining a stoic silence till now, said a one liner which made the whole bus burst into laughter and the bus driver a bit embarrased. He said, ''Didnt I tell you not to drink that extra glass of water, see what happens now, that extra glass of water made all of us wait for 5 minutes''
Poor driver !!!

Pole Dancing at the Bus Stop

Today's story comes from the bus stop in front of my hotel.I had left office @ 18:20 & leisurely walking towards the bus stop when an empty bus rushed towards the stop and cleared the crowd gathered there. I had a very busy day @ office and didnt wanna run behind a stupid bus, so decided to wait & watch. It was 18:25 & I knew there was a bus starting from Sahar Cargo Complex which run also relatively empty, so it was worth the wait. Now the busstop is located where employees of ITC Maratha, Hyatt Regency, Hilton Mumbai, Ascot Centre & Blue Dart converge, so you cant make out where a person is coming from.


As I was waiting in anticipation of the bus, I saw a girl walking towards the stop. To describe her, she was wearing black trousers, a white shirt and an open black blazer.Hair tied at back with little spectacles on her face and about 5'3" . She was wheatish in complexion. So a typical Indian girl in office attire. She came and stood near the pole of the busstop.


Soon, she calls up someone and as conversation progresses, she smiles, giggles , maybe she was talking to her sweet heart. People tend to do such things. Next I see is she is literally dangling around the pole with her arms around the pole with phone in her other hand and still giggling. Then she starts going around the pole in slow motion as if strolling in a park. This continues for 4-5 minutes. By now everyone is watching her, but she seems to be in her wonderland.

The bus arrives & everyone is readying to get into it. I get in and secure the last window seat for the long journey ahead and guess what she is still making circles around the pole and laughing into the phone. Finally when the bus makes the intent of moving, she wakes up from her dream and makes futile attempt of running behind it.
Hehehe....

Grabbing a Senior Citizen Seat

One thing everyone would agree with me is hating to stand in a bus with no movement whatsoever for pretty long time because of the traffic ahead. I am habituated to long snarls of traffic from my office to Ghatkopar station. I have even tried walking from Hilton Mumbai International Airport(My office) to Ghatkopar station in flat 55 minutes with innumerable stoppages because of traffic signals, idiotic people on road who have no road sense after finding that my evening commute to either Ghatkopar, Vidyavihar or Kurla by the famed BEST buses took more than 60 minutes and in the worst case even 100 minutes.

Knowing that my brisk walking skills werent put to test since months now, I decided to give it a try a few days back and the results were exciting with an overall 55 minutes to Ghatkopar. I am sure that I can bring that down to 45 -50 minutes. The only day, I covered this distance in 30 minutes by bus was on 26th January on all other days, its been the same. In mornings, it takes about 35-40 minutes from Vidyavihar station where I get a comfortable seat by the window.

My commutes have a twist of long bus journeys and shorter train journeys.The travel from hotel to Vidyavihar is actually a 20 min ride if done at normal speed in early mornings, but for the rest of the day, it takes nothing short of an hour. If you are standing for that long in a bumper to bumper traffic in a BEST bus, you dont need to exercise to stay fit. All parts of the body are jolted, massaged and heckled in all possible ways. Today my story is not about it though.Today its about securing a senior citizen seat for yourself and not being asked to vacate the same. I got into the bus, bought a ticket and moved ahead to the front seats. Its futile standing towards the right side as half the seats are earmarked for ladies. Chances of getting a seat are nil as there are many women vying for it unless you wanna be embarrased to be asked to vacate it.

Yes, there are a few who like to brush shoulders with them. But thats the last thing on mind when you are struggling for space in a crowded bus. I was standing towards the left side where we have the reserved senior and handicapped seats. Looking at the profile of the people sitting in them, none of them qualified to do so. I thought, I was marked for the day and eventually the whole journey was gonna be standing. But suddenly a person got up at the very next stop. I decided to sit. But I knew this was going to be shortlived as at the next stop, 'Sahar Airport' some oldies might get in and demand seats.

Luckily I saw a 4-5 yr old boy standing behind my seat. I pulled that guy and made way for him to sit on my lap, with my bag on one leg. Bag looks very big, though I am hardly carrying anything. For a person looking at me, it was as if I was holding the child and bag, so nobody would dare ask to vacate. At the next stop, a few oldies in 55-60 age bracket got in and demanded seats of all those sitting in the front row. They empathised and never even bothered to ask me. I tried to show my willingness to get up, but one of them said, “nahi nahi, you are actually holding onto the kid, be seated”. I must mention one thing here, the kid was a gem, he did not utter a word and sat as if I was his uncle, no discomfort and we chatted the whole journey...hehehe

A Typical Mallu

A close friend of mine once asked me how does a typical mallu look and behave like. Being a Mallu being asked to define one of his own species is a tough one to answer without being biased. My answer to her was something like this:

(Please note I dont indent to hurt anyone with the following stanzas, its all in a lighter vein)

A typical mallu girl is proud of belonging from Kerala. She believes its her birthright to become a nurse.They are generally very talkative and big gossip queens.Oiling her hair with coconut oil is a must. But truly results are indeed good with majority of them having long and sustainable dark hair. She is proud to come from kerala where female population is more than male population than any part of India. Anyone who has opportunities to learn further goes ahead and does MSc, MCom,MCA, MBA..etc.

Even though gold is liked by womenfolk at large, this Keralite has a penchant for coating herself in gold. On all occassions she believes in wearing gold, head to toe. On her wedding, she is supposed to bring home gold not in grams but in tolas. When she washes her hair, she believes in leaving it open and also using 2 strands of hair from near her ears to tie a knot encompassing them all. Set saree or set mundu(dhoti) is one piece of clothing she is really proud to wear to any occasion be it wedding, funeral. Dhawani is another clothing she looks really good in, but its fast disappearing. Be it Catholic, Hindu or Muslim, basically all mallu girls are god fearing.

A typical mallu guy has a moustache. Believes, its a sign of masculinity. Who will tell him the hindrance it causes while smooching...lol...He believes a lungi or dhoti is the best piece of clothing invented. He wears EastMan Color lungis at home and offwhite or plain white dhoti even to work. Drinking and smoking is his birthright. Its derogatory to even ask if he indulges in such vices. He forms a union wherever he works in kerala.Knows all the loopholes in the system to evade work and fight for his rights and blalantly ignore his duties, though the same mallu slogs like a dog in Gulf or places except Kerala. He believes in remittance of money to his household and wants the best for his family, a palatial house, car and educating his kids.

Most of them consider shaving as an unnecessary daily chore and would like to chuck it, given an opportunity. Like gossiping and also like calling Kerala, God's Own Country. Likes discussing politics between Communists and Congress, so the Kerala Govt changes every 5 yrs.

Kids in Kerala get up every morning to check if the buses are working, if he/she doesnt find vehicular traffic on the road for 2 minutes, he/she goes back to sleep as its a strike day and there is no school or college. This happens at least twice in a week still Kerala has the maximum literacy rate in India.

Naatak kare toh kauwa kate

Here's one more story from my innumerable journeys to work. Today after I got down at Chattrapati Shivaji Terminus, Mumbai(CSTM) and walked to the busstop of BEST 138. A double decker was waiting, but was full of passengers. Since I was early, I decided to leave it and wait for the next one. Before me in the queue was an old mullaji wear the traditional muslim cap. Soon the bus filled to its brim left and the new commuters started to join the queue, majority of whom try to enter from the starting point of the queue as its a long way to enter from the rear end of the queue. At 7:20 am , there are a lot of girls trying to reach G. D. Somani college which is next to Taj President and all of them look from well to do families. But in the same breath, I would like to add that some of them dont believe in civic rules and getting in the queue is not on their priority list.

By now a few girls had joined the queue behind us , but there was this one girl who kept roaming around the start of the queue with the intention of jumping in first when the next bus arrives. She didnt have the manners of falling in line with others. I dont understand why certain people find it derogatory.

Anyways, within seconds, as god sent a crow flew from nowhere , perched on her head and poked her. She was so scared that she let out a loud scream in front of the junta in the queue and scampered for shelter. The mullaji , who was first in the queue just gestured her to go and stand in queue as it has roof on top. All of us in the queue could not help but laugh on her.